Gospel help for Christian parents

I'm wary of books on Christian parenting -- and Christian dating, and Christian marriage, and Christian financial planning. You get my drift. I'm a newbie parent so take anything I say about it with a grain of salt. I see parenting as more art than science, so I'm skeptical of any book that claims to be a foolproof manual or advocates a one-size-fits-all approach to the subject, even if it has a Christian label on it. That caveat out of the way, I can see Shepherding a Child's Heart becoming something of a manual for my wife and I in the years ahead. I'm only a third of the way through, but this book has already begun to change my theoretical approach to being a parent. We'll see how it works out in practice!

Overall, I appreciate author Tedd Tripp's focus on the centrality of the heart. At the risk of sounding clichéd -- his approach is rigorously gospel-centered. The focus of so much parenting literature and advice is on behavior. Behavior calls attention to the problem, but behavior is not the fundamental problem, the heart is. It would be a tragedy for Christian parents to raise kids who are well-behaved, little Pharisees! Tripp writes in chapter 1:

A change in behavior that does not stem from a change in heart is not commendable; it is condemnable. (p. 4, emphasis his)

He's not advocating that parents abandon the requirement of good behavior, but that they not stop there. The law should lead to the gospel. A polite, well-behaved child is not the ultimate goal. Tripp remarks that a child well-schooled in the social graces can easily use good behavior to selfishly manipulate others unless that good behavior is rooted in a Godward orientation. This focus on heart change has huge implications for biblical child-rearing which are unpacked throughout the book.

I really like the chapter on authority. Tripp writes how the confusion about authority in our culture leads to confusion about the role of parents. Sometimes we're not comfortable with being in charge, either because we don't like being under authority ourselves, or we've seen how authority has been abused. This problem is also bound up with false notions of freedom. We desperately need a biblical understanding of authority. I find the way Tripp goes about this to be very helpful. The bottom line of why parents are in charge of our children is not because we own them, or because we're bigger and stronger (that doesn't last long!), but because God has placed us in charge. We are his agents. Like the centurion in Matthew 8 I can say to my son, "I too am a man under authority." Whatever conflicts we may have will be more about him and God than about me. Tripp cites Ephesians 6:4 as a defining text in this regard.

Your focus can be sharpened by the realization that discipline is not you working on your agenda, venting your wrath toward your children; it is you coming as God's representative, bringing the reproofs of life to your son or your daughter. You only muddy the waters when the bottom line in discipline is your displeasure over their behavior, rather than God's displeasure with rebellion against his ordained authority. (pp. 33-4)

How does this approach to parental authority and discipline help one get to the heart of the problem?

If correction orbits around the parent who has been offended, then the focus will be venting anger or, perhaps, taking vengeance. The function is punitive. If, however, correction orbits around God as the one offended, then the focus is restoration. The function is remedial. It is designed to move a child who has disobeyed God back to the path of obedience. It is corrective. (p. 36)

This chapter also has some excellent stuff on the essential role of love and humility. I'll probably share a few more tidbits from this book as I work my way through it.